How to Break up With Your Therapist
It was just a year ago last May when I wrote my first newsletter highlighting Mental Health Awareness Month and gave tips on how to find the right therapist for you. But what about when you’ve found a therapist and you feel you need to break up with them because it is not working out? Breaking up with your therapist can be especially difficult for a variety of reasons and many people would find it uncomfortable. Whatever your reasons are, breaking up with your therapist when you need to is just as important for your mental health as matching with the right therapist to begin with. I’m often asked what’s the best way to end it or for some suggestions on how to know when it is the right time. So here you go!
Of course, there are logistical reasons to end with your therapist, such as moving out of the state your therapist is licensed in, scheduling conflicts, or fees you are not able to afford. But what about when the water is a little murkier and it actually feels more like a break up than an easy conversation? I’ve compiled a list (not a comprehensive list) of common reasons that may warrant a break up with your therapist:
Your therapist doesn’t seem present in sessions anymore or never was present.
Your therapist is not open, affirming, and/or aligned with your identity like they claimed to be.
Your therapist offended you or left you feeling judged.
Your therapist overshares their own stuff.
Your therapist’s approach is not actually helping you and you feel you’re not growing.
Your therapist is doing inappropriate things, such as looking at their phone during sessions or forgetting appointments with you.
You can’t put your finger on it, you just know you’re not looking forward to talking with your therapist and the vibe is off!
You might feel totally out of place telling your therapist what is on your mind, but I really want you to remember that it is YOUR therapy. My first suggestion is to consider how long you’ve been working with your therapist and if there have been any positives about the relationship. It takes time to build trust and to get to know each other, but this doesn’t mean you should suffer or pay for services if it’s really not a good match. If you’ve been working with your therapist for more than three sessions (usually around the time you’ll notice if it’s working or not), I suggest you ask yourself if it is worth having a conversation with your therapist about what you are experiencing. Maybe it is not all bad and there can be good reasons to discuss things. Your therapist may be unaware of the problem and they may be able to fix it with a conversation or they may be able to share from their perspective. This is not a break up, but a chance to grow. The relationship could become even better than before.
If you are struggling with how to communicate your thoughts and feelings, the good old “I statements” can work really well, which is a way to express how you feel and why. Letting them know what bothered you is allowed and encouraged! For example, you could say “I felt/thought _________ when you said/did _________” or “I am feeling/thinking _________ because of ________.” You can use this approach if you’re ready to move on too and just add that you are ready to take a break or work with someone else. It doesn’t need to be complicated. I don’t suggest ghosting your therapist because that doesn’t actually address your concerns and your concerns are worth hearing! It could turn out that you have a good talk, gain perspective, and still move on to someone new. Also, your therapist should be familiar with how to handle these situations appropriately. It’s part of the job and insightful therapists understand that not everyone is a good match for them.
What should you expect? Therapists who are good at what they do are trained to have what we call a termination session, which is a final session that goes over what you’ve accomplished and future treatment goals. Your therapist will likely ask you to do this to tie up any loose ends and to focus on your strengths. Your therapist should offer to refer you to someone new if needed.
What to do if your therapist seems to take it personally or they’re not handling it professionally? If your therapist tells you that you’ve hurt their feelings, becomes agitated, or begins to disrespect you…this is an absolute no-no. Hard stop. End the conversation. You don’t owe this therapist anything and this crosses an ethical boundary. Therapists are human too, but you are not responsible for their feelings. They can talk about it with their own therapist!
Most importantly, try not to let a break up with a therapist consume you. Chances are the conversation will be a blip in time. Line up your own support network if you have one, try and make an appointment with a new therapist to avoid a gap in services, and remember your boundaries and the reasons for your decision. I also recommend telling your new therapist (if you choose to try again) your experience so that they can offer their perspective and you can feel for yourself if it’s a better match. There are hundreds of therapists out there and this is a way to take control of your healthcare. Remember you are your best advocate!